The women of APH in: Cell Block Tango
by infinitytwice
Summary: Fail title is fail, but it gets the point across.


**A/N: **A list of character names, for those who don't know. Listed in the order of the monologues, meaning that the first name is in the first monologue, etc.

GILBERT = Prussia (random choice, I know)  
KATYUSHA = Ukraine \ IVAN = Russia  
SESEL = Seychelles \ FRANCIS = France  
NATALIA = Belarus \ TORIS = Lithuania  
LILI = Liechtenstein \ VASH = Switzerland  
MEI = Taiwan \ LAN = Vietnam, KIKU = Japan  
ELIZAVETA = Hungary \ RODERICH = Austria

**DISCLAIMER:** I own less Axis Powers Hetalia and "Chicago" than Feliciano has the capacity to be murderous. Meaning, nothing.

* * *

[GILBERT]

And now, the six merry murderesses of the Axis Powers Hetalia jail, in their rendition of the cell block tango.

[KATYUSHA]

Pop!

[SESEL]

Six!

[NATALIA]

Squish…

[LILI]

Uh-uh!

[MEI]

Cicero…

[ELIZAVETA]

Lipschitz!

[ALL]

He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it

[MEI]

I betcha you would have done the same!

[KATYUSHA]

Pop!

[SESEL]

Six!

[NATALIA]

Squish…

[LILI]

Uh-uh!

[MEI]

Cicero…

[ELIZAVETA]

Lipschitz!

[KATYUSHA]

You know how people have those little habits that get you down? Like Ivan. Ivan liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP.

So I came home this one day and I am really irritated, and I'm looking for a bit of sympathy. And there's Ivan, laying on the couch, drinking some vodka and chewing. No, not chewing. POPPING.

So I said to him, I said, "You pop that gum one more time…"

And he did.

So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots…into his head.

[ALL]

He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, I betcha you would have done the same!

[SESEL]

I met Francis Bonnefoy from Paris about two years ago, and he told me he was single. We hit it off right away. So we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out.

"Single," he told me?

Single, my ass!

Not only was he married, oh no. He had six wives. One of those "free thinkers," you know? So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual.

You know, some guy just can't hold their arsenic!

[KATYUSHA, SESEL, NATALIA, ELIZAVETA]

He had it coming! He had it coming! He took a flower in its prime

And then he used it, and he abused it; it was a murder, but not a crime!

[NATALIA]

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business, and in storms my husband Toris, in a jealous rage.

"You been screwing the milkman!" he says. He was crazy, and he kept screaming, "You been screwing the milkman!"

And he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.

[ALL]

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same!

[LILI]

Varför är jag här? De säger att den berömda sjön, dog min man och jag högg av hans huvud.Men detta är inte sant, jag är oskyldig. Jag vet inte varför Uncle Sam säger att jag gjorde det.Jag försökte förklara för polisen, men de förstod inte ...

[NATALIA]

Yeah, but did you do it?

[LILI]

Uh-uh, not guilty!

[MEI]

My sister Lan and I had this double act, and my husband Kiku traveled around with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did 20 acrobatic tricks in a row--one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other.

So this one night before the show, we were in the hotel Cicero, the three of us, boozing and having a few laughs, when we run out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Lan and Kiku doing number 17: the spread eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead!

They had it coming! They had it coming! They had it coming all along

I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[ELIZAVETA]

I loved Roderich Edelstein more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy, sensitive; a pianist.

But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself…and on the way, he found Therese, Emmalina, Sophie, and Anna.

I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive, and I saw him dead!

[ALL]

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

They had it coming! (They had it coming!)

They had it coming! (They had it coming!)

They had it coming all along (They had it coming all along)

'Cause if they used us, if they abused us ('Cause if they used us, if they abused us)

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

He had it coming! (He had it coming!)

He had it coming! (He had it coming!)

He only had himself to blame (He only had himself to blame)

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it (If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it)

I betcha you would have done the same!

[KATYUSHA]

You pop that gum one more time!

[SESEL]

Single, my ass.

[NATALIA]

Ten times!

[LILI]

Jag vet inte varför Uncle Sam säger att jag gjorde det.

[MEI]

Number seventeen--the spread eagle.

[ELIZAVETA]

Artistic differences.

[KATYUSHA]

Pop!

[SESEL]

Six!

[NATALIA]

Squish…

[LILI]

Uh-uh!

[MEI]

Cicero…

[ELIZAVETA]

Lipschitz!

* * *

**A/N #2: **There wasn't a fanon name for Vietnam that I could find, so I just Googled popular Vietnamese girl names and picked "Lan" (which means "orchid," FYI).

The rough translation of Liechtenstein's speech (which is in Swedish) is:  
"Why am I here? They say that the famous lake, my husband died and I cut off his head. But this is not true, I am innocent. I do not know why Uncle Sam says I did it. I tried to explain to the police, but they did not understand ..."  
Sorry if there are errors; I used Google Translate, which isn't exactly the best.


End file.
